Reflecting on Who You Were But Loving Who You Are

As I sat on our deck yesterday waiting for the smoker to heat up and contemplating the decision that has been made for my potential promotion into management at work, I was reading an old journaling/listening prayer that I wrote 10yrs ago while visiting St. Mary's Sewanee for a Silent Retreat. I will reflect on how things have changed after I share the prayer.

This is the prayer:

Dear God,

Father you know everything that is goin on in my life right now. I am overwhelmed with school, work, and family. God, you know that I needed to have this time for the silent retreat. I want to thank you for the lesson that you taught me today by riding in the car with my church member. Father, I pray that you will continue to help him with his medical conditions. I am really torn between whether or not you want me to apply for the open management position. Father, you know that I have been in middle management and I have had my highs and lows. But please let me know if I should or not. I want to make sure that I make a decision that is pleasing in our sight and according to your will. As far as school goes, please help me to have the focus that I need to do the things I need to do to become a better student. You know that I want to learn as much as I can so I can help others along their journey with you. As far as my family goes, help me to be the leader you want me to be.

In love,

Robert

My answer from God was not audible or fulfilled with imagery. I simply heard silence. I heard nature. I looked out the window and saw nature. Then the passage of scripture popped in my head. "Be still and know that I am God." Powerful!!!

When I wrote this a decade ago, I did not have the confidence that I have now. I was psychologically challenged to think that I was not worthy to lead the department because I resisted the injustice that was experienced. I was in a transitional moment in life because I was learning there were discrepancies in what I was taught religiously and what I was experiencing in society. My work life did not help my mental state. Even though I had worked in leadership positions on my other jobs, I did not feel the complete desire needed to lead the team.

In 2025, I have the confidence of Harriet, Fannie Lou, Fred and Malcolm. I have learned to tap into my ancestors to help me to overcome the obstacles that others tend to introduce to my path. I have learned truth about history which helps me to navigate the present and the future. So, I know that if I am chosen for this position, I will tap into the creativity of the ancestors to be the type of leader the department has never experienced. Everything I have experienced the past 17yrs has prepared me to be the best leader for this moment. At the same time, I know that if I am not chosen, the organization is the one who missed out on a blessing because I know what God has given to me. My unique experiences and understanding are what they will be missing.

When it comes to school, I have finished one terminal degree. I am looking into going back to get my PhD. God has blessed me to teach undergrad a few semesters and I will be teaching again in the summer.

The growth I have obtained to be a better husband has helped me to fight and denounce the teachings of my youth so I can help my wife to give truth to our children.

The lesson is that my prayer was essentially for growth so I could help others. When I am blessed, I have learned to bless the lives of others. If we are not growing as leaders and helping others to become better, what use are we to society? No matter what management decides this week, I will be still and know that El Roi still leads me. I know my worth and I know what value I bring to the table. Embrace what the Creator has for you and be humble enough to serve others.

We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated.

Maya Angelou